My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
