New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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