It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My pussy is not your playground.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
