I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
