please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
