That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
