Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
