Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
