Jerry, you need to find god
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
