I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
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I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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