you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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