My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
