My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
