You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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