My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
