My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
