I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
