they need to just BURY HIM!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
