So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
