just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.