just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO