After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
So apparently I’m into choking now
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