i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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