my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
