I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
