I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
