So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
