I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
