She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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