She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
