just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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