Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
