u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize