I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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