is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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