I think my fart just growled at me.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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