I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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