i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Randomize
