did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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