We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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