Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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