It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
