I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
