ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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