So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
