I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
