i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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