your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
