he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
