Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
