I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
