Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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