If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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