My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
