I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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