Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
