He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
