you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
