I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
